The Big Sick: A Better Version 

The Big Sick is the latest in a string of books and movies that are all about the same. The details my change, but the fundamental premise doesn’t. A brown (or non-white person) finds their true white love. The backwards family rejects this new love and the person of color feels a prisoner to their backwards culture. In the end though nothing is a match for white love! So, since that shit is corny as fuck and played out allow me to upgrade the script and make it better. 

The Big Sicker 
A Brown kid named Khuram has a low self-image because his parents had a severe inferiority complex to white people as a result of colonialism and he noticed how his parents always brown nosed to white people to get ahead. Allowing white people to bump the line at stores, laughing at their dumb jokes, nodding in agreement whenever white people talked, telling his sister not to go outside in the summer for fear of getting darker, and joining white people in their prejudice towards black people.

At the mosque Khuram grew up with families with similar attitudes and the behavior was encouraged by the mosque administration. Every time a white politician or visitor came to the mosque the uncles would fall all over themselves with enthusiastic greetings to the point where even the white guests felt uncomfortable. 

At the annual ISNA convention Khuram noticed people from his suburban mosque met with people from other suburban mosques to learn how to get even better at trying to impress their white neighbors.  
Due to this inferiority complex Khuran falls in love with the first blonde to smile at him. Becky isn’t particularly smart, funny or good looking- but she’s white! When Khuram and Becky get together with friends he entertains them by making fun of his friends, family and culture. 

Eventually intimacy occurs. As he’s never even touched a woman, and has been told sex is nasty and dirty,  he ejaculates in less than 5 seconds into their first sexual encounter after struggling with the basic mechanics of sex. 

Khuram tries desperately to imitate her culture. Gets a dog, drinks, starts eating pork, and goes hunting with her dad. At Christmas he even French kisses their family dog and says the turkey is too spicy for his taste due to the presence of paprika. 

Yet, despite all of this he experiences a feeling of emptiness. Khuram confides to his mother and she arranges a dinner with a Pakistani-American woman his age named Sehar. She’s educated in matters of culture, religion, and politics. On top of that she’s beautiful and artistic.

Sehar helps Khuram to discover himself and reject a feeling of inferiority.  He breaks up with Becky, donates the dog to the humane society, pours out the liquor, and goes “40 days in the path” with the taabliqui jamaat. After coming back he has a grand Pakistani wedding with his new Sehar. The two go to law-school and set up a legal-clinic for South Asian immigrants. Later they meet Becky and her husband. She’s now a Mormon wearing MAGA gear living in the exurbs next to an ISNA-style mosque she’s petitioning to have shut down despite the fact they mow her lawn, wash her car and deliver donuts to her every morning. 

The end.


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