Part Two of Muslims and Sex: Time for the Sisters To Get Mad

In part one I wrote about what a woman needs and the general thought in Muslim lands that a marriage does not need romance, but just a general understanding amongst Muslims that the man will provide a, b and c and the woman will provide x, y and z. They act within a framework of concern for the expansion of his bloodline or keeping ties or marriages based on backroom deals from brothers pawning off their daughters or something like that with no romantic notion at all.

It it totally a contract between two parties and if the business deal does not work out, then you terminate the contract ( i.e., divorce which will free up the brother to go and find another wife and could leave the sister to depression, a life full of misery because no one will want her, even her own family, of if we are in America maybe she will pursue a career as a “halal baby mamma” )

As one brother told me: “I just want a woman that can provide me with some children and food. I don’t need to talk to them” and I know of several brothers married to Moroccans who do not speak Arabic and the sisters do not speak English.

I know many disagree, but I feel that this is NOT a good way to look at marriage at all – at least not for one who grew up in the West with a different notion of marriage. Here in the West, we have a tradition of marriage where – ideally speaking – the spouse is supposed to be one’s best friend. That person that understands you. That person that understands that inside joke. That person that has your back when no one else does. That person that really loves you through thick and thin.

Let’s say that we have a man that understands the three things that a woman wants in a relationship and he is providing these things. How does the woman reciprocate? How does she know what he needs? Men have emotions too, and needs a woman that he can connect with on an intellectual level and appreciate what he is bringing to the table. On a certain level a man wants to know that all of his efforts to keep her happy are appreciated. She doesn’t necessarily have to explicitly tell him that, but she needs to show it to him.

When times get tough, she does not nag and complain about how “sorry” he is because she KNOWS that he is a good man that has provided in good times and that he cares about his family. Instead of endlessly cursing him and shouting at him, she comforts him and tries to be of assistance to him in every way instead of looking at these things as “beyond her job description”. A REAL man does not like a “fair weather wife”. A wife that is content when times are good and endlessly nags and complains when times are not so good.

There is a saying that “a man’s home is his castle”. The meaning of this is that a man wants his home to be a place of relaxation, comfort and refuge from the turmoil outside that he just came from. He wants to come home to laughing, a good meal, some romance and a good conversation. He doesn’t want a mindless drone in the home with no feedback on any interesting subject. (At least not to any man with an 8th grade education)

Just as he is willing to go out of his way for the woman, she should be willing to go out of her way for him. That can be a problem when you simply look at marriage as a carnal desire or necessary ritual in practicing your religion and to beget a few children or as a means to come to America or improving your financial condition. The marriage has to be a friendship. “You and me against the world!” That is the way we were raised to look at marriage and when we try to deny it and do something different, it does not work and the American-Muslim community is full of examples of this.

A friend of mine told me this story that illustrates my point:

A convert married to a woman from overseas came home from work one night (he worked late nights). His wife came out of the bedroom and said “Your cousin called and said that your mother died” and then she turned around and went back to sleep leaving him to cry on the couch. Anything beyond that was just beyond her “job description”. That was “his thing”.

In another incident – again a convert male married to a female from a Muslim country – his daughter from a previous marriage needed to stay with them, and his wife refused. She was under no obligation to take care of his previous daughter and felt like a fool caring for the daughter of another woman. Now, with all due respect, if that would have been me, and my daughter was in trouble and needed a place to stay and my wife caused a problem I would simply have turned to my wife and told her to go the F*** back to where she came from if she cannot accept my seed.

For us, this is a loveless sham. A man from overseas may see this as stupidity for even trying to go there in the first place with your wife who after all is a woman and what is a woman good for anyway…or at least that is how they think.

Understanding is very important and what sets a good man or woman apart. However, for women it can’t stop there.

I know that many women complain that the man is “shallow”, but the women who understand the following are successful: A romantic relationship consists of emotional and sexual desire for the other person. Too many women feel like they can let themselves “go” once they get married and that the man should just “provide” because he is the husband or because the emotional connection is made that there is no more need for a physical connection.

In the strictest and most literal since, this is true. However, PART of keeping an emotional connection with a man is by looking good. She should work out, eat healthy food and try to stay in shape. And the man should facilitate these things by encouraging her (as opposed to putting her down) AND try to look good himself.

I want to be clear that I am NOT talking about a man that would nag his wife about her weight every time she puts on a few pounds. I am speaking of the problem that I have heard brother complain about: their wives becoming “content” and letting themselves “go”. The woman no longer sees a need to keep herself looking good. This thought process comes when a woman has a ritualistic thinking of marriage

I feel that a good woman will have pride (the good kind) in herself and the way she looks and will not let herself “go” whether she is married or not. She will not let her feet get hard and crusty. Her hair will not be a mess. She will take care of her face and keep her hair done in a nice manner.

Romance is reciprocal and abstract. Understanding is abstract. This is why it is so hard to conceptualize in a marriage for so many people from Muslim countries. It is the missing element in convert marriages. (Immigrant marriages probably don’t need it because they don’t have this tradition)

So a marriage breaks down when you have each party demanding their ‘rights’. The man coming home jumping up and down screaming about his food and sex and the woman jumping up and down screaming that the rent is late or that she needs some new shoes. Because ‘understanding’ is not literally and explicitly defined and spelled out in the texts, the thought is that it is not needed. Therefore, you have men resorting to ‘marital rape’ and women demanding a man spend his last $75 on her new jilbab because it is their right. Neither party cares for the other beyond being a means to practicing the ritual.

Many men from Muslim lands look at ‘understanding’ and ‘romance’ as code words for ‘disobedience’. This is not the case. There can be love, romance and understanding in a marriage in our context and within Islam. We don’t have to have a marriage just like they have in Muslim lands…

Furthermore, and I will say this in closing but it needs to be said; a man must sexually please his wife and a woman must do the same. He should take his time and do everything right and she should reciprocate and change things up a little bit and have a few surprises for him once in a while. I have known brothers who married sisters from overseas who they told me had virtually no sexual-desire and who had no imagination when it came to sex. One sister wanted to divorce a brother because he liked to suck on her nipples and she thought that was a perversion. Now, if the brother cant even do that what can he do?

Sisters from overseas need to understand that this is not the middle-east where a brother can be wowed by the mere fact that he has a woman to have sex with. She needs to perform in bed, she needs to “put it on him” if she wants to keep the interest of the man and realize the sad fact that she is not the only game in town and brothers need to be thinking about this same issue.

I will not turn this into a piece about sex but obviously that is a big part of this equation and I have got countless emails from brothers and sisters, not to mention those I know, who tell me that they have no sexual compatibility in their marriages and that this issue is tearing the marriage apart and many of these are cross-cultural marriages. So, I ask, why don’t we talk about these things from the minbar or in classes?


68 thoughts on “Part Two of Muslims and Sex: Time for the Sisters To Get Mad

  1. Good post. A husband and wife really need to be best friends. That is the only way to weather the crap that life gives us.

    My wife and I are like this, Alhamdulillah. We have gone through a lot, from dealing with stuff at her Embassy because of their idiotic laws and issues with my step-children’s family, to two children in the space of a year.

    It is our friendship that has allowed us to get through these times. Not that it isnt hard, marriage is hard, but friendship and ties that bind make it possible to get through it.

  2. Umar,

    You are a zealous idealist.

    George Bernard Shaw was right when he said:

    “It is most unwise for people in love to marry”

  3. Aint Nothing going on but the RENT/MORTGAGE!

    For those who can pay the bills…

    Before you turn off the lights
    Let’s get one thing understood
    If you plan to make love to me
    You’ve got to do it good
    Cuz I’m a hell of a woman
    And for me it takes a hell of man
    So don’t you dare turn off the lights
    Unless this you understand

    Don’t turn off the lights
    Unless you’ll love me right
    You hear what I’m saying
    Cuz habibi I’m not playing
    Don’t turn off the light
    Unless you plan on staying

    Carry on…

  4. Perhaps we will all soon start reading Shelley and Tennyson…lol.

    “Her Lover’s Arm”

    And on her lover’s arm she leant,
    And round her waist she felt it fold,
    And far across the hills they went
    In that new world which is the old.

    By Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

  5. Turn off the lights and light a candle
    Tonight I’m in a romantic mood, yeah

    Let’s take a shower, shower together, yeah
    I’ll wash your body and you’ll wash mine, yeah
    Rub me down in some hot oils, baby, yeah
    And I’ll do the same thing to you

    Just turn off the lights, come to me
    Girl, I wanna give you a special treat, you’re so sweet
    Turn off the lights and let’s get cozy
    See, you’re the only one in the world that I need

    I wanna love you, love you all over, yeah
    Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again
    Whisper sweet words of love in your ear
    Show you I much I missed you, missed you, my dear

    Turn ’em off and come to me
    Tonight, I’m in a sexy mood, baby
    And light a candle
    Girl, there’s something that I-I wanna do to you, I wanna do, I wanna do to you, baby

    Would you mind if I asked you to
    Would you rub me down
    Would you rub me down in some, in some burnin’ hot oils, baby, yeah
    I swear I can do the same thing, the same thing to you, baby

    Turn ’em off and let’s get cozy
    I wanna give you a special treat, you’ve been so sweet
    Turn ’em off and come closer
    You’re the only one in this whole wide world that I’d ever need

    Turn ’em off and light a candle
    You see, there’s somethin’ I, somethin’ I, somethin’ I, somethin’ I
    Somethin’ I wanna do to you, baby

    I’m lyin’ here waitin’, my dear
    You can get what you want any time you want it
    I’m lyin’ here waitin’, my dear
    Come get what you need, give me what I need

    Tell me what you wanna do (There’s somethin’ I)
    Tell me what you wanna do, babe
    (There’s somethin’ I, somethin’ I wanna do to you, baby)
    Tell me what you wanna do (Yeah)
    Tell me what you wanna do, babe (Yes)

    Tell me what you wanna do (I’ve got somethin’ in my mind)
    Tell me what you wanna do, babe
    (Somethin’ that I’ve been wantin’ to do all the time, yeah, yes
    Tell me what you wanna do (I wanna give you a special treat)
    Tell me what you wanna do, babe (‘Cause you’ve been so sweet, yeah, yes)

    (Anything that you want, anything that you need, I got it, I got it)
    Tell me what you wanna do (I can do it)
    Tell me what you wanna do, babe (I’m willin’)
    Tell me what you wanna do
    Tell me what you wanna do, babe (I’m willin’ to try)

  6. Mutual respect, trust, love and devotion needs to exist within the relationship. As stated, communication is extremely important. Friendship a definate necessity….if your (wo)man is not confidant, something is wrong with that picture.

    I agree the home should be one’s place of comfort and paradise on earth.

    My immigrant brothers… get some Luther in your life.

    My immigrant sisters…go to the dollar store and purchase a hoola hoop ;-)

    Sisters, keep it together – for yourself, but remember what our men see on the streets and many workplaces – he should come to better not big momma. Same applies to the men… hit the gym brothers, some of y’all look like you’re about to deliver QUADRULEPTS!

  7. Uhh…I’m not sure what sister would get mad at this post, but this one isnt. I think its generally pretty good.

    You’re right – “me and you against the world” and being best friends is the way to be in a marriage. Those of us who have that are truly blessed.

  8. “You’re right – “me and you against the world” and being best friends is the way to be in a marriage. Those of us who have that are truly blessed.”

    For real. Nothing beats a Bonny and Clyde marriage!

  9. Crusty feet! Haha.

    See, now I just pull out the body butter and demonstrate to my husband how to moisturize those dogs. Years of playing basket ball and getting those things stepped on by big dudes hurt my poor honey’s toes. The first time I saw his feet I was like Whoah homey!

    They still make me laugh a little.

  10. Another thing:
    The best motivation for keeping your spouse healthy is by working out together. It’s fun. Playing one-on-one basketball is very romantic (unless you get a little competivitive and start throwing those elbows everywhere).

    My husband and I are both trying to lose weight and I have always liked partner exercise.
    I used to partner exercise with my brother a lot and I find that when I work out with an athletic dude it really builds my stamina and strength. (I’ve worked out with tough girls too!)

    Um, not to mention the fact that after exercise the hormones get pumping…a wonderful treat for you and yours!

    So healthy!

  11. Asalaamu alaikum.

    I came to say… EXACTLY what sister Muse already said, LOL. Why should a sister be offended by this? It is the most balanced and fair commentary I’ve ever seen outside of hadith. AlhamdulAllah. Tell it like it is, akhi!

  12. So what’s happening with the housing market over there in the U.S anyway? There must be a few brothers reading Br. Umar’s post and worrying just how much longer they can expect to continue to provide a roof over their wife’s head, -never mind giving her emotional support as well? But of course, they have Allah’s Rizk.

    All those (worse than) junk credit derivatives the U.S exported to Europe are having a serious impact on markets here,…but the resulting problems REALLY do illustrate (for me) why Islam makes financial derivatives Haraam -people have been busy selling billions of pounds of financial derivatives based on assets they did not own, and now those same assets (that they did not own in the first place) have began to evaporate into thin air.

  13. LOL @ Umar putting photos of soap and toothbrushes! And then here comes Wounded Soul with the Teddy Pendergrass lyrics.
    And, oh yeah. Love works masha’allah. Y’all should try it.

  14. Good but required frankness. It’s clear for many of us in the ‘West’ the ‘marriages’ in the Middle East (and that area is not Pakistan or Afghanistan) do not seem ‘right’. A certain outdated ‘lie’ seems to surround man and women interactions while form (economics, status) dominates over substance (emotional attraction). That can lead to hypocracy even, for a Western Muslim, corruption. How many have entered the deen then naively been led into seceret and dugging and diving sexual practices with Middle Eastern partners? Some want money; others passports. Others still want a bit of ‘action’ before they return home to marry, perhaps a cousin. A brother here told me how he met a sister who he ‘liked’. His background was all wrong for her but she wanted him to be close-but not go the whole ‘way’ because she was a virgin. He was once a serious ‘player’ but left that life behind. Within weeks the brother was recieving oral sex, then the sister was moving into ‘anal’ intercourse. The brother felt ‘shamed’ but addicted to this new ‘introduction’ and felt that this behaviour-hit with guilt, religion and prohibition-was compelling because the Arab lady seemed to be enjoying it. She returned home, a virgin, and is waiting to marry a respectable member of the Middle Classes. How common is this? If sex as a’topic’ remaines subject to the kind of taboos current in Cromwell’s England, how many more tempting perversions are animating the personal lives of Muslims both here and,certainly, in the Middle East?

  15. I was expecting to be offended, but I don’t find anything offensive. Umar, have you ever known many immigrant brothers talk about their wives?Do Muslim men ever mention some insights their wives give them?

    I know that some women who grew up in Muslim countries or in strict families in the states don’t know how to talk to men. Sometimes you have to wonder what type of conversations do they have with their spouses. Not all of them are happy in the silence, but they stay in the marriage because of pressure from their ethnic community or for the sake of the kids.

    I don’t think immigrant sisters the have ice princess routine on lock, though. But it is common when you come from a culture that makes you feel ashamed of your body. I wonder how is a woman supposed to step up her game unless she reads some halal version of Kama sutra or gets some vague advice from some sisters. I’m just wondering how does that work. I guess that’s why I believe in like for like, cause if he doesn’t know what he’s doing and she doesn’t then maybe there is less of a problem.

    The lack of intimacy is a problem in Muslim and non-Muslim marriages alike. It is just that we Muslims are less likely to talk about it because of social mores. I also know that women have hormonal issues, and that pregnancy can affect her feelings of intimacy. A woman who has children clinging to feed and to be picked up all day sometimes pushes her husband away because she needs space. I think if the stay at home moms get some support and help with the kids, maybe some rest, she could be a more enthusiastic partner. Also, a lot of Muslim women are depressed, and depression takes a huge toll on sex drive, intimacy, and communication.

    The story you mentioned about the callouse wife informing the husband about his mother’s death reminds me that women often forget that men have emotions too. Men are sensitive and trying to figure out a way to satisfy a woman can be extremely confusing. I know far too many young women whose understanding of relationships are based on romantic comedies. Many of these women did not know who they were or what made them happy. They enter marriages thinking that they will escape from their family and be free. Since they never knew what makes them happy, they expect their spouses to fill their void. I’ve seen far a few good men made to feel inadequate because of things that are not their fault. Muslims have the basic tools for healthy marriages. We just need better counselors and advisors who can help us apply Islamic principles to the pressures of the modern world.

    sorry for the rambling…

  16. I didnt read anything that made me want to get mad.I really liked what you had to say.I think its really important for us as women to work to make sure we do look good for our men. When i see all the fitan thats out there…I always wonder how the brothers handle it. we as sisters need to make sure we eat right and take care of ourselves.i had to laugh at the crusty feet comment.Over in the Uk pedis werent something that was done automatically.Its only here in the Us that i have learned that its a neccessity to find a nice asian woman who can sand me down every week.And for $10 its affordable.Lol.
    In islam sexuality isnt something thats really talked about and the information that we have is very hazy. I remeber a talk over in London where one of the sisters asked whether oral sex was permissible and when the shaykh answered no…a few sisters got mad.”Please dont ask questions that will remove the possibility for us puhleese”(lol) seriously!
    Its hard especially for those of us who had “some experience” pre Islam because lets face it..we knew what sex was about whether that be from personal experience or tv and I think the number 1 fear for a newly married sister was….What’s in store for us on that wedding night.I mean what if…his…..isnt… know…lol…So maybe thats why the emphasis on sex isnt as much as it could be. Islam doesnt want to emphasise it as a purely sexual pleasurable thing because it would place too much pressure on the already nervous. Allahu Alim.
    I do love what you said about “me and you agaiast the world.” Thats how I see marriage. Bonny and Clyde all day :)

  17. Margari,

    Excellent reminder regarding sisters needing space. I strongly believe everyone needs some “Me time.” Perhaps a close friend or relative could watch the children, at least once a month, so hubby and wife can go out on a date -movies for those who enjoy the movies (some parks have free movies during the summer), a play, museum, there a POW WOW this weekend in DC, the Rodeo, botanical gardens, amusement park, or a simple picnic, even if its in the middle of the living room), etc. DO THINGS AS COUPLE!

    Cuddling and old fashioned romance goes a long way (and doesn’t necessarily have to end in the bed room).

    Love is a beautiful thing… You know you’ve got if you find yourself RUNNING home to get home to that (wo)man.

  18. To the other sisters:

    I don’t want to get too far off the initial post but I am interested in the way Muslim women think/talk about our sexuality.

    With pure intentions :) insha’Allah when I got married I talked to my mother about sex-not in details or in a disrespectful manner but it was something very exciting and new.

    My sis-in-law (married to my husband’s brother) and I were able to bond when we talked about all the ghusl you make when you first get married. It was like “Am I going to be washing my hair four times a day for the rest of my life?” Also, the birth control talks have been extensive.

    I actually find that living in a country where you are a minority, where your sexual ethics and rituals are often viewed as archaic, it is necessary to talk to each other.

    Margari’s statement about Muslim women and depression really struck me-there is so much silence and repression put on too many sisters. When I read about the frank language of the sahabi I am struck by the combination of piety with self-expression (often sexual) without shame and personal strength.

  19. Myopic, please explain what you meant by, ” Islam doesn’t want to emphasise it as a purely sexual pleasurable thing because it would place too much pressure on the already nervous.”

    If I remember correctly there is a hadith with states a woman was granted a divorce from her husband because he didn’t please her sexually. I am not certain of it’s authencity.

    Sex should be enjoyable, how else can we maintain our chasity if we are feeling neglected? As woman we have no outlet besides our husband (at least they can marry another, not saying this is why they get a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife). I just can’t imagine myself staying with a man who didn’t please me (mentally or sexually).

    Virgin or not, the first few times in a new marriage are always awkward, especially given the first time we are truly alone (or should be) with our spouse is on the wedding night…Sharing your most prized possession with a complete stranger makes it even harder. Ya Allah imagine if he’s from a culture which paradises about the stain bed sheets *FAINT*

  20. Umar;

    I think one of the problems, with some in our UMMAH, is that we know the Rights and HUDUD of Marriage, with specificity, isn’t that hard, it’s spelled out and written. It has been reduced to a mere matter of memorization and regurgitation.

    However, what lies within the limits, is more expansive and not written and defined, so it actually involves us to think on our own.

    We need some imagination, some whip cream, and hand cuffs, make it fun. In fact they have little sex shops with gadgetry, French maid outfits, etc…etc… Lets stop being so stuffy, I mean we are serious most of the time, lets act as adolescent and silly at times, chase her down with a water gun or water balloon, and laugh.

    Hold her close during movies, rub your fingers thru her hair when you both lay down. Gently seduce her, to satisfy your right.

    Ok, I’m feeling self-conscious now, before I go to far……….

    At the end of the day we just wanna feel loved and appreciated.

  21. Margi you made a great point,

    “Many of these women did not know who they were or what made them happy.”

    Friends of mine, married young, with the husband being a little older than his wife and more established in education and employment. His wife felt like she was now just an extension of him, lost in his world and at times looked at the marriage as stunting her growth. She wanted to grow but did not have a clue on what she wanted to do.

    In cases like this is important for the husband to be supportive and be pro-active in encouraging his wife to venture out and find something external to him that she would like. Or she would be filled with regrets.

  22. Nice post Umar especially coming from a person like me but i beg to ask the question why push this notion of romance on the rest of the rumbling muslim marriages in the world today huh?
    Do actually think that most Muslim men care about their wives, deep downt he answer would be a SOLID NO!

    For them there is this sense of belief among the brothers that we have to get married as soon as possible or face be branded as disobedient to the deen or our families and the society as a whole . Some might call a brother that is holding on to his “Marriage ticket” till he find’s that special someone even it takes him years and years. As being weak or his manhood being questioned, via called eventually a Homosexual even if he doesnt live by that lifestyle.

    I’ll ask a another question to everyone responding in this Blog why is that we see that brothers are afraid to hold ther wives hands ,kiss them or even pronounced their LOVE for them in PUBLIC or even in their private quarters. because that doesnt fit into the profolio of being TOUGH ,STRONG AND MIGHTY

    I have seen personally of a Muslim man in the masjid speaking to his wife in the most harshest terms possible, making her look bad in front of everyone. Thinking he’ll get the heads up or the slap on the back by the rest of the brothers for controlling this “wild beast” called his wife.

    I think the lack of romance is not the problem in hand but the upbringing of many or most of us where the muslim man is filled with rage. Because he was brought up in a kind of SPARTA house where endless shouting,screaming, insults and offcourse the beating occurs in a daliy basis.

    He[typical muslim boy] sees his mother shouted at and sometimes beaten by his father, imprints in his mind that this is the only way to keep a household together or to show that this is how a real man is suppose to behave toward his spouse

    To him now a real man doesnt show fear or emotions and must be to be harsh towards his enemies. [sadly that includes his wife and kids] in order to prove his manhood to the rest the pack as if we are animals that only possess primal rage but no logic

    Umar in the end of the day and the passing night. Love or [whatever definition you want to called it] and forgiveness and self confidence dont work in a typical muslim marriage, but only Fear, Despair and endless Sorrow are its pillars.

  23. Margari,

    I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for going beyond just the niceties to share with us your views about the reality of relationships and marriages, and in my experience, that’s just how it is for a lot of people, Muslim, or not.

    “Sometimes you have to wonder what type of conversations do they have with their spouses.”

    I often wonder about that too. Surely there must be something far beyond the initial sexual attraction, romance and mutual dependence if the marriage is to last beyond the first couple of years? Is it enough for one’s spouse to be stunning/drop-dead gorgeous but have no opinion about anything in life? In my experience, it is not.

    To those advocating a Bonny and Clyde marriage, I would say be careful how far you go with this, believing too much that it’s you and your partner against the world could lead to psychosis.

  24. Thank you Saggal,

    I am really grateful that brothers like Umar are willing to speak honestly about these issues. Muslims have the same marital issues as everyone else, but it just plays out differently. I really get tired of the male bashing. One of my friends noted how they know several amazing brothers with really wacked out wives. I’ve actually seen a few men beaten down by bad relationships. And I’ve seen a few men whose lives took a major downturn because of a bad marriage. I remember after my divorce a bunch of my second generation immigrant friends were complaining about their husbands. They all had their nice middle class lives and relatively stable marriages. But somehow in that little women’s gathering they were working themselves up by criticizing their husbands. I felt that negative energy escalate and the negative energy build. But there complaints were pretty petty to me. One woman complained that when her husband was sick he wanted to be held. Another one complained about the garbage or some other insignificant thing. I finally had to speak up, and tell them that they should be grateful that they had good men. I am not saying that their marriages were perfect, but when I compared their petty complaints to the drama I went through 9 years ago, it was nothing. Nor am I saying that I was a perfect wife, I was young and had a lot of growing to do. But I tried my best. I’ve learned that a marriage only works when two people put in equal effort make it work. And making it work is not just about getting into a rut with mundane routines. Marriage is half your religion for a good reason, I think it can truly bring out the best in you. And a good marriage is about companionship, growth, and compassion. To me achieving a great relationship has got to be one of the most rewarding things in life, it’s up there with being a good parent.

  25. Margari @-
    I think the other problem with muslim marriages is the business of interracial relationships between muslims, i not trying to state that everyone should stay at its own lane. But sometimes muslims especially among the youth and converts who try to rebel against the status quo by marrying someone outside their race might be their ticket out of hell[family pressures of arranged marriages].Which creates sometimes creates major issues especially like the language barrier or feeling betrayed after the marriage turns sour because person left behind cant go back to he/she family.
    Maybe the best thing is for everyone to have full knowledge what they are getting into before they commit.
    Or the divorce rates among the muslims might surpass the western nations one day.

  26. Margari,

    I agree that a marriage should be about companionship, growth, and compassion. Without compassion, a marriage is nothing, IMO. In fact, if we lack compassion, our lives are not worth anything -and perhaps they shouldn’t be. If I was the husband of the woman who complained about him wanting to be held when ill and I found out, I’d divorce her on the spot.

    As an extreme ascetic, I’m easily bored by conversations with people who think they should lead a similar lifestyle to Barbara Amiel’s before the demise of her thiefing husband. But I’m forever keen to know what else besides money motivates people. People’s passions, eccentricities and intensity attract me and I can sit down for hours just listening to them talk. There’s this Swedish guy at my work, he found out I like reading novels so he gave me a book he’d been raving about for so long. I only managed five pages before giving up and returning it. He wanted to know why so I told him that besides it being Crime Fiction which I’m not a fan of, I couldn’t stomach the prose, it was so badly written it was like eating junk food, I thought nothing further of the matter. That was until he brought me another book, and another and another -all of them crime fiction but by different authors, at which point I began to realise that this wasn’t about me and whether or not I liked the books. I think it’s more that he treasures these books himself and perhaps wants someone else to discover them -whatever the real reason, I’m so touched by his love for these silly books that I’m going to read the last one he gave me even if it kills me:-)

  27. Maximus, then how do you explain the numerous successful interracial marriages with exist in mainstream America? My brother has been married to an Arab woman for 15 years. Another brother to an Indian lady, and another to an Italian. My sister has been married for many years to Latino and I was in one as well prior to Islam. What are Muslims doing wrong in this area? If anything our (Muslim) interracial marriages should flourish because our culture should be Islam.

    I am a black woman but I can’t relate to the blacks in Philadelphia or the DC Metro area. Culturally we have nothing in common, with the exception of our skin color.

  28. Saggal – .”..similar lifestyle to Barbara Amiel’s before the demise of her thiefing husband….” Lol!

    I’ve really enjoyed the post and the comments.

    Alhamdulilah, I have a lovely husband. I strongly feel that it’s important to really appreciate each other. Sometimes, people are more thankful and polite to strangers then to their spouses and that just seems crazy to me.

    As for interracial marriages, I think the key is to respect and be interested in each other’s cultures. Alhamdulilah, as Muslims we put Islam first, but
    we are still affected by our cultures whether we realise it or not.

    Instead of seeing this as a negative thing we should look to the positives. Especially as children
    will be mixed and if they see that one parent views the other parent’s ethnicity/culture as inferior, then the child will start to feel that about themselves.
    Insha Allah, I would like our children (insha Allah) to feel comfortable with both cultures and their identity.

    Finally, I agree with some who have stated the damage of unrealistic expectations.
    It’s important to love and cherish your spouse for who they are, not for who you would like them to be.

  29. Maximus,
    I don’t see interracial marriages as a big problem in our communities because in comparison to mainstream America Muslims rates of intermarriage are very low. How are you even defining interracial dating? I think I would have more cultural clashes with an Muslim who just immigrated from Africa than a white or Latino Muslim from America. Also, most of the divorces that I have witnessed come from people from the same culture. The other reason for divorce is that the marriage was a sham to begin with. That would be the men who marry American women for green cards or the shady brothers who go overseas to marry a woman who can’t speak English so that they can control. Or the high divorce rates come out of communities whose imams tolerate secret marriages. I don’t think many Muslims should be so self righteous about comparing our divorce rates to the West. Many of the unhappily married Muslims who continue to stay together because of cultural pressure, as opposed to for the sake of Allah.

  30. I’m not mad. Maybe it’s because I’m not a sister? But the sisters aren’t mad either… Hmmm.

    This post made me wonder how to convince my boyfriend to go the gym with me.

  31. Iran: “Income Level Per Wife Table”
    As Ahmadinejad’s government has set the only condition for re-marriage to affording it, based on the court’s decision, the Judiciary has just issued a table. Men should know that if the number of their wives does not comply with this table, they will have to divorce the excessive wives and pay a fine. Link via Kamangir
    Monthly Income Number of wives

    More than $5,000 : Four Permanent, Infinite temp.

    Between $2,000 and $5,000 : Four Permanent, Two Hundred temp.

    Between $1,000 and $2,000: Two Permanent, Fifty Temporary

    Between $500 and $1,000: One Permanent, Five Temporary

    Less than $500: Do it Yourself

  32. Margi

    “Many of the unhappily married Muslims who continue to stay together because of cultural pressure, as opposed to for the sake of Allah.”

    1st Actually, I think cultural pressure towards an ideal is a good thing. As opposed to what we see in the African-American (non-muslim) community, where the contemporary culture is not to marry, which has lead to a high number of children out of wedlock. We have a lot of baby-Mamas and baby Daddies running around, and most of the baby-daddies, are providing no emotional or financial support to their children, which leads to even more issues. A little cultural pressure towards marriage and staying married is so needed in this case, especially if God is not a factor as a motivation.

    2nd Maybe, we tend to be too idealistic in our expectation of marriage, with all of these Bonnie and Clyde analogies. Listen, my mother raised me, instilled many values in me, I absolutely love and adore her, however the older I got the more I realized that I can not live with her. Now imagine a husband or a wife, who does not have your history, background, values and in some instances your culture, but to somehow mesh on several different levels and live happily ever after. If we know life itself is merely a test for us, then marriage has to be one of the biggest test, because it involves such deep intimacy and trust.

    A good marriage is like anything else in life, you wish to attain, you have to work, strive and sacrifice to achieve it but in this case it is a joint venture, which makes it doubly hard.

  33. Salaams…

    Sr. Margari….you make some very key points, in your post. One point that is very important in my opinion is the idea of ….”A like for a like”. Islamically it indeed states this. Marriage is soooo hard…… so why a person would go and marry a person, and there is no common completely beyond my comprehension. I mean seriously are you looking for a recipe for disaster??

    Marriage is hard….so why would a person seek out a potential spouse….COMPLETELY opposite to them. Someone raised in the West vs. Overseas. Educated vs. Illiterate. Religiously Fanatic vs. Not so Religious. A person that is laid back and chill vs. someone that is Rigid and anal. Someone that places Culture above Religion vs. a person that places Religion over Culture.

    Marry a person that has a simliar background to you, look for commonalities. Why go to the opposite…..because it’s the new fad?? Time and time again we see in our communities…..two people that are hooked up together, and I swear to you….you end up scratching your head thinking “this is a joke right”. For instance…..recently a 45 yrs old brother got engaged to a 23 yrs old sister. Now I don’t know about you….but I was like what on earth does a 45 yrs old man possibly have in common with a 23 yrs old child oooops I mean young lady:)….? but all I could hear amongst the community….”Oh mashallah their so cute together”. I sadly just rolled my eyes…..

    Another case was the convert guy that got engaged to the immigrant sister…..newly arrived to the West. If you compare the couple… Common language….ZERO. Education level ZERO. Importance of Islam…..ZERO, and Sexual compatibility….Zero. But yet….these two still got married….and I only pray that it works out for them, knowing the odds are stacked against them.

    If we talk about Sexual Compatibility, then we must be honest and realistic. If for instance your a convert brother…..that has lived a certain lifestyle and has many experiences under your belt….prior to becoming a muslim. When the time comes for marriage, you can’t end up marrying a virgin sister….(particularly say for instance a sister from overseas) and suddenly expect her to “put it on you”…… And start performing like some of the women from your past. I don’t think it’s fair, particularly if you understand the perspective that she is coming from. Sr. Margari mentioned it…..oftentimes due to family or cultural upbringing…..she is made to feel like sex is strictly for procreation…, and she’s not suppose to enjoy it. Or mabye she just happens to be a VERY modest person……I mean Hayaa is a beautiful thing….and if your a brother that has been around the block a few too many times…..then maybe just maybe, you need to hook-up with a sister that is already experienced, or has the same sexual mentality as you.

  34. “Myopic, please explain what you meant by, ” Islam doesn’t want to emphasise it as a purely sexual pleasurable thing because it would place too much pressure on the already nervous”
    I meant that Islam doesnt make sex into the be all and end all of marriage. A sexual relationship is one of the distinct pleasures of marriage but its not the MAIN focus.I was thinking if it was then it would place a lot of pressure on those who were already nervous about their first sexual encounter with what is a complete sexual stranger.That hadeeth was related to Fatima Bint Qays. One of my fav hadeeths.She wanted a khula because she said her husband was like “paper” meaning he was impotent. Islam recognies the need of sexual satisfaction but I dont think it overemphasizes it in place of other things.
    A Bonnie and Clyde style marriage doesnt mean me and my man are going to roll together while we knock off stores.I mean it in the sense that we roll together, leaning on one another for support.Im your down a$$ chick and you are my man. We back eachother up. I dont think theres anything wrong with being like that and if more of us did that rather than abandoned ship at the first sign of crisis we’d have stronger and better marriages.
    I do think its on us as women to educate ourselves to what makes a man happy sexually tho. I always liked that uote about the bedroom and kitchen.
    Y’all know which one Im talking about!

  35. “Especially as children will be mixed and if they see that one parent views the other parent’s ethnicity/culture as inferior, then the child will start to feel that about themselves.”

    I’m adopting 2 little girls, 6 and 5 years old. They are mixed; father was Chinese and mother Somali and they are so cute they look edible. I’m to fetch them from Ethiopia at the end of the month and already am so freaked out about how to bring them up, not having had that kind of responsibility before.

    At the moment, they are all skin and bones, hard to believe that a child could be so thin and still be alive, and I have nightmares that as soon as I arrive back in London with them the neighbours will call the Social Services and I’ll be accused of trying to starve them, then I’ll become neurotic and give them sweets and junk food so they can put on weight quickly!..

    Maybe I’ll treat them like adults and have conversations with them and take them cross-country running with me where some Muslim brothers will tell me it’s haraam for a Muslim girl to run in public, so I will go back to the gym and run on the treadmill where some lady will accost me demanding to know why I have a strong heart (b/c i can keep my heart rate very high and she can’t get a reading from the bleedin’ thing)…then I’ll remember I was supposed to be looking after the children.

  36. Since reading these posts, I’ve changed my mind and need to correct some misleading nonsense I exspressed above. Pakistan and Afghanistan may have some problems on women issue but the Middle East (broad concept) generally favours better on the marital front than here (UK) and there (USA). Its clear where the drift to ‘hand-cuffs’ , ‘whipp cream’ (Hakim Now) ‘depressed Muslim women’ (Margri) is going: towards decadent feminist apologetics, with a Hugh Heffner thrown-in. Ideals must be held high (Prophets and Philosphers believed) and they are not held high by reference to Euro-American dating practices (or sexual preferences). The Muslims we are describing are of the immigrant mentality (there reasons for leaving a Muslim land providing a clue to thier dreams and fancies) but the reference to unhappy Muslim marriages is anecdotal, patronising, soothing to women & men with emancipatory ideals, rooted in Western hegemonic values . Someone here will say…’but I know a couple…’ You know what? You know an immigrant with immigrant problems, not Islamic ones. And don’t quote Arab female authors, largely
    trained in the West and usually from the very class that is looting their country’s wealth. Much of the Arab women’s ‘depression’ can be traced to the antics of this very class, not to their over burdened and oppressed husbands. The solution is not ‘whipp cream’ or ‘Jackie Brown’ smooching. It is better ‘laws’, to ‘cage’ the political bandits (and thier liberal daughters). Even still the Muslim Arab family looks in better shape as they walk arm-in-arm in the souks of Aleppo or the Malls of the Gulf than the Afro-American ‘family unit’ as it exists in the richest country in the World.

  37. @ Jami

    Since you mentioned the African-American family I will say a few things. Even AFTER they come into Islam, they are still dysfunctional even after trying to adopt and implement Arab and/or Pakistani cultural mores.

    The point here is that American Muslims do not have to adopt the cultural marital habits of Arabs and Pakistanis in order to have a marriage. We have our expectations in a marriage and as long as they are not un-islamic, we can live by them. The way that Pakistanis and Arabs have done things is all well and good FOR THEM. But there is no reason to force this way upon us.

    I don’t understand why this East/West divide and why we MUST adopt a Pakistani or Arab way of doing things (to include having a Pakistani or Arab spouse) in order to have an Islamic marriage…

  38. The Muslims we are describing are of the immigrant mentality (there reasons for leaving a Muslim land providing a clue to thier dreams and fancies)

    What a broad brush you paint with…the problem is that many of the Muslim lands are not so Muslim. Oppression, unfair gender practices and hyprocrisy are not Islamic. This is not to say that American Muslims are superior to other Muslims but everything is not black and white.

    I’d be a hyprocrite if I did not admit that I consider myself a Muslim, an American and a feminist without apology. Don’t assume that because I claim feminism I embrace a certain set of values or that my thinking is myopic.

    I take my Islam seriously. I am interested in learning ways to fight for the equality of everyone. It doesn’t take a whole lot of critical thinking to bash other Muslims who don’t think EXACTLY the same as you do. Instead of labeling people or claiming to know the intentions of people just because they happen to speak about feminism or issues of sexual pleasure or sisters (or brothers for that matter) being mistreated why not offer constructive solutions and criticisms. By quickly dismissing some of the statements made here you shut down people rather quickly.

  39. Jami

    “The solution is not ‘whipp cream’ or ‘Jackie Brown’ smooching. It is better ‘laws’, to ‘cage’ the political bandits (and thier liberal daughters).”

    Jami, again laws are good at establising the limits, but making laws can’t make a husband happy with his wife and vica versa. Again, we are talking about the nuaces, of nuturing a good relationship between spouses, which can’t be legislated with laws. Or is it better for your wife to give up her indiviudal and halaal wants, desires, goals, and aspirations in service to you.

    The Middle East tends to err on the side of oppression (including of muslims wanting shariah) and the West to err on the side liberalness, I think everyone that is commenting on this post are trying to fine a middle way, a balance.

    You say;

    “Someone here will say…’but I know a couple…’ You know what? You know an immigrant with immigrant problems, not Islamic ones”

    Now you separate immigrant brothers and sisters from their Islam. I’m sorry these are immigrant and non-immigrant Muslims with problems. You make it seem as if by virtue of being muslims you have no problems as a couples, which is completely wrong. Even if the couple try to up hold every Islamic law and ideal to the fullest, whether from the east or west, its still breaks down to imperfect Muslims, trying to implement a perfect system, by virtue of that single fact alone, problems will exist.

    You can’t GLOSS over these problems, by merely re-iterating this vision of a Islamic Utopian world, every Muslims, would live to live in, where every couple put their individual wants, needs, and preferences to the side, solely for the sake of God. I too want to live there, but until that time comes, we as Muslims have to deal with the ON THE GROUND- REALITY of our deteriorating situation and yes in the West and well as the East.

    Lastly, you have done an injustice to any intellectual basis of your argument, as comparing a Muslim Husband and Wife, trying to spice up their intimiacies without exceeding the limits to Hugh Hefner. That segment of your rationale is not worth a response.

  40. @Jami,

    “The Muslims we are describing are of the immigrant mentality (there reasons for leaving a Muslim land providing a clue to thier dreams and fancies)”

    Please do not presume to know our dreams and fancies, hand-cuffs and Hugh Heffner?? Good Lord!

    There is no such thing as uniformity in culture, if there were, then there would be no culture, the notion of culture itself implies the idea of diversity, no?

    So provided we realize the Qur’an and Sunnah must take precedence when there is a clash with our own culture, I do not see that it’s necessary to discard our heritage and culture.

    I’m guilty of often when posting on these pages saying things in jest rather than in earnest like with my Bernard Shaw quote above which can make me sound like a heathen. Most Muslims, I am sure (or rather hope), strive for religious ideals, if not continually then at least intermittently, so please, do not be too quick to judge.

    Life is a test for us and I did, in my early twenties, vacillate, but Alhamdullilah, I keep finding my faith, and even when I was losing touch with my faith I assure you it had nothing to do with hand-cuffs and/or Hugh Heffner.

  41. Farooq, thank you for the sincerity and the ‘wisdom’ of your comments. I agree: adopting other peoples customs produces more, not less problems.
    There is a certain ‘Eve’s Bayou’ or ‘Colour Purple’ sentiment here and I’m not sure how to respond to such post-modern sensitivity. Islam of course has warned us about our ‘desires’ & to be cautious regarding the ‘people of desire’.
    A pre-modern man, Ibn Taymiyyah, once stated: ”Indeed, the people of Truth & the Sunnah do not follow anyone (unconditionally) except the Messenger (Sal Allahu ‘alayhe wa Sallam) the One who does not speak from his ‘Desires’- it is only Revelation revealed to him”

  42. ya akhee i dont toatlly agree with u on this the women form teh muslims countries are not all like u say and the men as well this is sterotyping
    u will find westerners who are just as bad i had a american friend who once said ” i want an arab to meryy just to play with, u know not have kids just sleep with for fun ” Mashallah the americans are great but he would marry an american for children what is this

  43. Assalaamu alaikum,

    I’ll say the same thing I said in comments on Part One… that I’m just amazed at the stereotypes. No Muslims outside of America know anything about romance?

  44. Hi, Salaam to everyone.
    Mabrook to Umar for opening up an awkward subject.
    I wanted to touch upon another angle here- sex only with mutual consent and based on attraction, is it not?
    For the average Muslim arranged wedding, both the husband and wife are, more often than not, virgins on their wedding night. This is probably the first time the husband and wife are together, alone, with SEX as the main screaming agenda of the night. As a modern, educated, aware Muslim woman, this is where an extremely uncomfortable question comes up: “If the woman feels no mental or emotional connect with her new partner [because rationally, how can she] , why [or rather how] is it expected that she must be willing to sleep with her husband on the very first night of their union?”
    I am not talking of weddings where the bride and groom are in love and extremely attracted to each other and other such happy circumstances. I am speaking of when we have a well-educated, forward thinking, opinionated, strong Muslim girl [and there are many of these] who has just been wed to some boy/man of whom she knows nothing and who is not physically that attractive to her at all. Since we are talking about ‘sex in the marital sphere’, attraction and looks do come clearly into the picture. And if the man has already ‘let himself go’ and the bride is an attractive, what then?
    I have had this question in my mind all through my growing up years. Once I spoke my mind to my grown-up [but still unmarried] cousin sisters saying I didn’t think I could sleep with my husband on the very first night without knowing him, and they expressed shock: Why not, how else is it to be? I wondered about the relationship of newly-weds-newly-mets in an arranged marriage or silly Indian movies where a wedding night invariably meant silly giggling, immature cracks from all and sundry and the inexplicable expectation of the relationship being consummated overnight?
    I also want to stress that I think the onus of creating a comfort level in such a situation lies solely with the woman because unfortunately, for most men, ‘marriage’ is often a three-letter word. THE three-letter word we are all talking about. This includes modern, educated Muslim men. The man wants sex on Night 1. The woman doesn’t. What does this lead to? Unpleasantness and awkwardness that the new bride has to try and tide over saying things like, “Can we try and get to know each other first, be comfortable, please?” I don’t know why this is such an outlandish concept. It all ties in with what Umar says in the first instance, that a husband and wife should be best friends.
    What say you?

  45. as’salaamoo alaykum,

    ain’t nothin’ on here for sisters to get mad about brother, you just balanced the two articles by looking at things from both ends of the spectrum.

    I do think though, that brothers need to be more realistic into what they are getting themselves into when they marry a sister from overseas as oppossed to stating that these sisters need to “bring it”. while that may be true, a brother still has to consider how these sisters were raised differently, and how it will affect what he is looking for in the bedroom(long term) and if he is willing to put up with less than eye popping relations or change his country of origin when considering marriage.

  46. great post,

    I think that interracial marriage is fine.
    But it makes a huge difference when the spouse is from overseas.
    Like you mentioned the example of the american man doing something risque and the immigrant woman opposing herself to that.
    I know that people can marry non-americans and be ok but i feel like it’s much easier to make things work with a fellow american than a cousin back home.
    Also on the flip side, american women might be willing to try more risque things sexually while the cousin from back home will be clueless….

  47. The seven days is in reference to the time the husband spends with his new bride….

    Yahya related to me from Malik from Humayd at-Tawil that Anas ibn Malik said:

    “A virgin has seven nights, and a woman who has been previously married has three nights.” Malik affirmed, “That is what is done among us.”

    Malik added, “If the man has another wife, he divides his time equally between them after the wedding nights. He does not count the wedding nights against the one he has just married.”
    {Book 28, Number 28.5.15 : Malik’s Muwatta}

  48. Well I am not married so I can’t talk about maried life and what it’s like, but I’ve heard many stories about culture clashes within Muslim marriages. I think that love and understanding are the most important things in a relationship. The fact is that everyone is a product of their environment, and your environment is an Islamic one/semi Islamic or cultural. It’s best to marry someone who is of a similar background to you as it makes life a lot easier.

    I’m from Somalia but I lived in the West since I was 6 and I’m now 21. I didn’t spend more than the first few years of my life in my native country. This being the case, I can’t see myself marrying a Somali straight from Somalia, a freshie as some would say. Although I understand the cultural practices of Somalis, I can’t say that I appreciate them. So I would rather marry a Somali who has grown up in the West and has been raised as a Muslim rather than a Somali who puts his national and cultural identities before Islam (which most Somalis living in Somalia do).

  49. lol @ the little pictures in the middle of the artical. But everything that was said (that I read,*smile*) made perfect sense. Most ppl think of marriage as ‘the end of the road’..whereas it should be the beginning

  50. u bunch of horny, confused,liberated,constipated,empty ambitous,fantersiseing,testosterone driven,tryina be sincere,intendin to be good yet extremly pre meditated,consious well read, open minded muslims :)

  51. assalamu’alaikum wa rahmatullah

    I sense it this way: “Rasulullah himself put cleanliness in sex combined with other usefullness ment,what I mean is when he said that if a husband wants to repeat the jima’ again,he better to do ghusl between that sessions,or to do wudhu. For information,in Shahih Jami’ Ashshaghir by Jalaluddin al Suyuthi,takhrij by Muhammad Nashiruddin Al Albani,is mentioned in there hadits that Rasulullah also spread water to his genital,in wudhu(looser). This is one of those things that rarely being done by us.”

    Ofcurse our rabb’s words were very clear that a fornicator must marry a fornicator,in surah An nur,right ?. So,a muslim who is not virgin,he could only married to a non virgin muslimah or marries an ahli kitab. While a muslimah who is not virgin,she could marry only with a non virgin muslim.

    And there is no such thing as marrying a person who raped us,cause the person supposed to be stoned to maut. Just as there is no point maintaining a marriage,after we know from 4 witnesses or by our own eye,that our spouse has commit zina dukhul(sex intercourse)with another person.

    There is one I know about the principle of EUGENICS. That is,better quality genes will be given by Allah Subhanahu through interracial marriage to our babies. People who obligate that marriage is only between people on the same district or same ethnic,is Jahiliah’s custom,because of the overt proudness to their ancestors,Muslims must be upright and say to them “bite your father’s penis”.

    There is a plateau,but we must not remain in it.

  52. May Allah bless you brother for telling the truth. The great Sheik told me we need to learn to seperate Islam from culture, even though culture plays a part in Islami Law, but knowing how to deduce this law is for the Faqih. You said their needs to be khutbas and lectures on these subjects, but understand that a lot of the muslims today fear the people, more than they fear Allah. Keep up the good work and congrtulation on your marriage.

  53. I was apprehensive when I read: sisters will be mad in the title but masha Allah I really enjoyed this post. I’ve been married a little under a year myself and understand about going above and beyond the call of duty when you love someone and want to nuture that love.

  54. I think it’s really shallow and stupid to think in terms of a wife “letting herself go” and “having an obligation to look good.” There are lots of reasons a woman might change appearance including depression and other health problems. If your first reaction is “you’re supposed to look good for me” instead of “honey what’s wrong?” and making an appointment to see the doctor then you don’t deserve to get married.

    And by the way, if the whole point of wearing hijab in Islam is so that women are taken seriously for their character and not their looks then that ought to extend into marriage, you should love the woman no matter what she looks like, period. How would you like it if you got in an accident and lost a leg and your wife left you because you didn’t look good to her anymore? Let’s say the accident was your fault. Would it hurt any less? No, I didn’t think so.

    I know a man whose wife dumped him after he got into an automobile accident in which he had an open dislocation of his knee and fractured his pelvis. I had met him when we were both in the Army as he was reclassifying due to his injuries. She just started running around on him while he was recuperating, then she took the kids and left him. That is horrible. It’s the same thing as if you start looking at your wife as a failure just because she got fat. Do you want a bed accessory or do you want a life partner? Because you are not always going to get both.

    What about when she gets old, is that not allowed either?

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