How To Know if You are a Rhodesian

Rhodesians are a segment of the Globo population. Globos are urban yuppies who are the victors in globalization and have come to the cities and replaced the poor, union-workers and working-class in general who are the losers in globalization. It is a variation of the term Bobo (Bohemian bourgeois) that David Brooks of the New York Times uses. Rhodesians are the segment of this group who settle in the poor and minority neighborhoods and who open the places up and make it safe for other whites to come in (these shock troops are often artsy types and gay males) and inherit the vision of African colonizers such as Cecil Rhodes and thus the name Rhodesians.

You are a guy and you are walking around wearing capris

You are a guy and you wear tight t-shirts that show off your bony body

You work for six bucks an hour at a shitty job just to get your parents off your ass who are paying your rent (which is probably at least a grand to 2 grand a month)

You are scared to ride the subway at night unless you are with a group.

You eat all-natural food, and may even be a vegetarian, but eagerly support the normalization of sex-change operations and non-traditional child-bearing methods.

You consider yourself a liberal but you hate your black and Latino neighbors and the only time you enjoy seeing people of color is when they are serving you overpriced food in Manhattan or Downtown Brooklyn.

You hate poor people; but have chose to live in a poor neighborhood, but don’t worry; in a few years they will all be gone.

You move in to the neighborhood six months and you are trying to tell people who have lived there 20,30, 40 or 50 years what kind of door knob and door they should have on the home they bought.

You profess to hate manly men but have the cops on speed dial; people who otherwise you would consider to be brutish cavemen.

The pets that you pamper and treat like royalty that you parade down the street get better healthcare then 80% of the neighborhood.

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3 thoughts on “How To Know if You are a Rhodesian

  1. you are a genius mr. lee. i agree with a lot of what you say. you should advertise this blog more, alot of REAL new yorkers really feel this way

  2. Your comments about Rhodesians on Tuesday, September 26, 2006 are complete nonsense. You know that you’re truly a Rhodesian when:

    1) You carried your Madisons (cigarettes) in your shirt sleeve.
    2) You wore a grenade pin in your cammo bush hat.
    3) You can still remember Sally Donaldson’s voice on the radio.
    4) You saw “Grease” more than three times.
    5) You drank sweet wine on holiday in South Africa.
    6) You still wear vellies (veldskoen shoes) without socks.
    7) You think the youth of today could do with a stint in the army.
    8) You miss the smell of rain on a hot, tar road.
    9) You miss Christmas by the pool…
    10) You horrify people by eating raw, dried meat.
    11) You still secretly think that day scholars were pampered mommies boys.
    12) You smoked at the back of the bus coming back from an away rugby match.
    13) Your doctor is younger than you are.
    14) You offend people with with your honesty. (Not much of that around the world today, but something that was fairly common in Rhodesia).
    15) You carved your name on a famous landmark in Rhodesia.
    16) You still think your Army unit was better than RLI / SAS / Scouts etc.
    18) You are mid-to-late 30/40/50 something.
    19) You chatted up a farmer’s daughter at a Country Club “getogether” – with one eye on her Dad. You failed miserably, and then tried his wife – with both eyes on him.
    20) You miss the Kaya Nyama’s pepper and mushroom sauces and seedy, bead-veiled alcoves, and thought that choosing your own cut from the glass case was the height of sophistication.
    21) You almost lost the family jewels on the rock slide at Mermaid’s Pool
    22) You can still sing “Ach pleeez Daddy” and the “Harmony” song.
    23) You can recite every word from the “Lexington” cigarettes commercial.
    24) You actually miss the brown housebrick we were assured WAS bread.
    25) You ended your sales pitch at Le Coq D’or at 11pm with “I suppose a ****’s out the question” – and still scored.
    26) You injected Cane spirit into a pocket of oranges to beat the booze ban at the Rugby at the Police grounds.
    27) You bought an appalling Kudu” copper clock “very cheap” shaped with the outline of Rhodesia from a Greek store and still have it in your spare room.
    28) You kept your green issue underpants and wore them until they either fell off, or your mfazi (woman) threw them out one day when you were out.
    29) You promised faithfully to meet the “gang” at precisely noon 10/15/20 years “from now” for a reunion, and haven’t heard from them since.
    30) Despite everything, you have survived and still find some things funny and value what you had all those years ago!
    31) You still refer to toilet paper as ‘bog roll’ and gays as ‘bum brushers’.
    32) You got a speeding ticket trying to make the border by 6 PM.
    33) You still carry a comb in your sock.
    34) You drooled over a Cortina GT. (The one with the round, tri- part tail lights)
    35) You greatly lusted after a Ford Capri.
    You make no attempt to speak Afrikaans in SA or Enkeldoorn.
    36) You sang rude or witty words instead of the originals to hymns in school assembly.
    37) You believed that there was a Sgt. Major in the Rhodesian Army who could lift two MAGs (General purpose Machine Guns) by the barrel, straight out and hold them there…
    38) You only met a vegetarian after leaving Rhodesia.
    39) You think Harold Wilson, Ayatollah Khomeni, Carlos the Jackal, Robert Mugabe and Kenneth Kaunda share the same gene pool.
    40) Your forearms and the areas between you lower thighs and mid-calf are irredeemably burned brown by the sun.
    41) You still have ties in your cupboard that are more than 4 inches wide!
    42) These ties are made of crimpelene fabric!
    43) These ties are in bright shades of red, yellow, blue or white!
    44) You once owned an 8 track car tape player!
    45) You eat cuts of meat today that were ration meat in the old days.
    46) You are convinced that South Africans cannot make boerewors (sausages) properly.
    47) You grew a beard during the war hoping people would think you were a Selous Scout.
    48) You once had sideburns the size of mini-steaks.
    49) You blame headaches etc., on flat beer you accidentally drank.
    50) You have given up looking for a good meat pie.
    51) You cannot understand why people enjoy bungee jumping.
    52) You once owned a Rhogun / Cobra or other bit of angle iron and steam tube that dispensed nine mils.
    53) You did not know there were things called lesbians until fairly recently.
    54) You bore or frighten your children with harrowing tales of your deprived upbringing in the days when TV started at 17H00 and kids were expected to ride push bikes to school.
    55) You have yet to see or taste a bigger and better avocado pear than the ones we used to get.
    56) They do not make your clothes size (medium) as easy fitting as they used to.
    57) You need longer arms to read the paper.
    58) You still butter bread by holding the slice in your hand.
    59) You have never driven anything as pig awful as a Kudu M.E. (mine protected vehicle) in the last 15 – 20 years.
    60) You can remember flying in a Dakota.
    61) You ever bought a lucky bean necklace from road side curio sellers.
    62) You have once met a guy in a bar who claimed he was in the Guard Force special rece (reconnaissance) parachute battalion and spent “lank weeks” (a long time) in African countries not immediately bordering Rhodesia.
    63) You still believe it’s wrong to use bad language in mixed company.
    64) You know the words to more than two ABBA songs.
    65) You didn’t see “Are You Being Served” and other British comedies until 1980.
    66) You still find it hard to throw things away when they could be fixed.
    67) You went to a school that taught real subjects like grammar and history.
    68) You know more than ten of the world’s capital cities.
    69) You went to a school where instead of being “counselled”, unruly students were beaten – and it worked!
    70) You complained to your father that you were disciplined at school – only to find he thought it was a good idea.
    71) You used to call your parents’ friends “Uncle” and “Aunty”.
    72) You still light up at the sight of a flame lily.
    73) You remember seeing your first dead person – and you were under 21.
    74) You can’t get your head around the idea of men wearing earrings.
    75) You have driven on a strip road.
    76) You long for that soft morning glow that brightens the Mashonaland sky between 6am and 8am.
    77) You know what a ‘hot area’ was, and it had nothing to do with the weather!
    78) You crashed your car into another one, and knew the driver … … but were both too drunk to realize.
    79) You shot every snake you saw even though you knew they were essential to the balance of nature.
    80) You remember watching the brown grass turn green after a day’s rain.
    81) Arguing that Castle Lager was for men Lion Lager was for kids.
    82) You put green stripes on your FN (rifle) so that you could find it in that car park!
    83) You went to Beira just to eat peri peri prawns!
    84) You are convinced there is no better ice-cream than that at the Eskimo Hut.
    85) You long for the “drainage system” of Bulawayo, to enjoy riding over the hills.
    87) “Muuush” is still common in your vocabulary.
    86) You know or still write to someone from Marymount, Peterhouse, Chaplin, CJR, Guinea Fowl or Gwebi Agricultural College.
    87) You drank Tanganda Tips tea or Preema Coffee. 8. You shopped at Truworth’s, Edgar’s, Meikles’s or Kingston’s.
    88) You had an avocado, mango, guava and pawpaw tree in your garden.
    89) You thought Bilharzia was an incurable disease and never dipped as much as a finger in a river or lake.
    90) You remember Jacaranda trees in full bloom on Selous Ave.
    91) You miss the taste of fried bream, fished from Ngamo Dam.
    92) You have at least one ivory, soapstone or wooden carving.
    93) You remember Sunday afternoons at Selukwe Tea Gardens, splashing in the swimming pool, visiting the aviaries, greenhouses and monkeys.
    94) You still believe your A-levels were harder than most first-year University courses today.
    95) You still refer to an expert as a “fundi”.
    96) You still say “braai” instead of “barbecue” or “kopje” instead of “hill”.
    97) You will die defending the honour of a Rhodesian or Rhodesia but couldn’t give a sh-t what people say about your adopted country.
    98) You can not cook a well done steak.
    99) An American blogger claims to know you, when in fact he doesn’t even know the first thing about Rhodesia.
    100) You tell a story of the glory days and when you have finished, you wonder if anyone actually believed a word you said.

    Reference. Rhodesians Worldwide.

    R.N.D.

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