Blaklion picked up on my “Ghetto Muslim Wedding” theme.
You know you at a Ghetto Muslim wedding if……….
a.. An African -American brother is marrying a Moroccan sister (I think
Moroccan women have now become compulsory for black Muslim men to marry)
b.. where the bride is not present and they have to use your cell phone to
call her and get her permission to be married,
c.. the brother forgets what the dowry is,
d.. and you feast on BBQ potato chips, spaghetti and cooscoos afterwards.
e.. During the reception one brother say’s he’s trying to flee from his
wife and do you know anywhere he could run to?
f.. another brother asks me for some change so he could catch the bus,
g.. and a kid you’ve never seen before in life asks you to buy him a soda.
h.. Every few minutes someone that looks like a Black Santa Claus in a
thobe says real loudly “Takbir! Takbir! Takbir!”
i.. All the sisters are either in niqab or are half-naked.
j.. The brothers got thobes that are cut and torn at the bottom…..
k.. ….. with sandals by the door….
l.. …..and white socks on…
m.. … and an oil the name of which they can’t pronounce correctly.
n.. every brother’s name is “ock-key”, and every sister’s name is
o.. a few brothers are trying to find a wife…. or two or three at the
p.. the Hajjis feel the need to tell everyone what it’s like in the Middle
East….. but all they saw was Mecca.
q.. No one says yes or no, because instead it’s “Na’am” or “laa”.
r.. One “ock” asks if that sister with the black jilbab and gold niqab is
married, only to find out she is HIS wife.
s.. Dessert is sweet potato pie, but some brothers turn it down because
the sweet potatoes weren’t cut with takbir and bismillah.
t.. Some brothers get into a debate about whether vegetables cooked by
Jews are halal.
u.. Some new Muslim shows up with a tray of pork chops, not knowing any
v.. Some brothers have Arabic accents, but you know they’re from
Damascus….. Damascus, Tennessee that is…… and they can’t speak Arabic.
w.. The most ignorant brother wants to make a khutbah, but it’s Wednesday
x.. Someone breaks wind during the ‘asr salah, but no one gets up and
makes wudhu again.
y.. You think it’s the brother next to you, until you realize that’s just
his breath from tooth decay.
z.. Some brothers that were talking about the proper way for women to
cover are now trying to flirt with some of non-covered women.
aa.. But one of them left early ’cause he just got a booty call from his
Baptist girlfriend. “Got to make dawah, Ock-key.”
ab.. One of the sisters is asking brothers for some sadaqah so she pay
rent that month.
ac.. But about three brothers are doing the same thing, and you know they
had jobs just a week ago.
ad.. Nobody’s drivers license shows the same name they used to introduce
themselves to you.
ae.. Not one brother over 35 has all of his teeth in his mouth.
af.. A brother justifies smoking weed because it’s from the earth, and he
swears it’s in the Bible AND the Qur’an.
ag.. Most brothers already had Arabic names, but changed them after
shahada, anyway. “Yeah, brother, my kaffir name was Tariq Jenkins. But now
I’m Abdul Rahman Al-Jowhari Al-Aakhiri Al-Jigabocitee Al-Ghettowi. What’s
your new name, Ock?”
ah.. One brother brought his Arab friends to show that he’s a real “ock”,
and they left shortly after.
ai.. The Arabic spoken there sounds more like a housing project code
aj.. And last but not least…. the roaches are so at home that they give you salams and ask you to move over so they can get some spaghetti, too.