Recently I have heard a few different Muslim brothers complaining about Muslim sisters marrying (or being with) non-Muslim men. I feel for any heartbroken brother and the Islamic rulings on this matter are clear. However, let me offer a little advice to the young Muslim brothers, the single and the perplexed. For the record this is advice for others seeking to pursue a Muslim marriage. Personally I think the whole Muslim marriage in America thing is bogus and a waste of time.
Non-Muslim or Non-Observant Men v. Muslim Men Pursuing Muslim Women
A religious Muslim man pursuing a Muslim sister has only a couple of paths to take. One, going directly to her family or wakeel and getting a “sit-down” leading to a period of engagement and then marriage or meeting a sister online, at the masjid or community events romancing her and then approaching the family or wakeel.
Some sisters are very pious as well as some brothers. Most are not blessed with the same kind of patience and emaan though. If you approach the family it could go smooth. Then again you could crap out immeadiately. Her mom doesn’t like your mom. You strike her dad the wrong way. They want a Punjabi only or no blacks or no non-doctors. Bam, for any reason they don’t like you thats a wrap no matter if the sister likes you.
If you meet a sister online or through the community it can spark love even before you approach the family. However, because of the prohibition of dating this may be mostly on the downlow for fear of the family or other Muslims seeing you. Lot of texting and emails not that much real dating. Probably no sex either. Maybe a little moral oral or even anal. However, it will be super secret. If the family shoots you down this may cause great sadness. It may dull the sister on the whole idea of marriage.
A non-Muslim has no such restrictions. Nor are they intersted in meeting the family. Intimacy is not created through texting and short discreet meetings: but rather through spending time together. Lunch dates, coffees, movie dates, nature walks, romantic dinners, etc. . The non-Muslim guy has all that in his arsenal. Then there is the issue of sex. Men just need a place. For women though sex is associated with love and intimacy. You put it down once a Muslim girl may be guilted into marriage. Put it down right she will be sprung and young love can even cause her to forsake family and deen.
Romancing The Muslim Sister v. A Non-Muslim
Brothers say they want a good Muslim sister to marry. However, they seldom get to really mix with any. They are also encouraged not to even look at them. Meanwhile everywhere they go Muslim men are surrounded by non-Muslim women dressed in fashionable, often revealing, clothing. They have no such prohibition against chatting, flirtation, dating before marriage and even casual sex. She has a lot more in her arsenal than the Muslim sister. The family also often does oppose such marriages, many such women convert, and many more just date the brother.
I didn’t even address the racial and class divisions within the community. Or the stupidity of the Shia-Sunni-Sufi bickering, idiotic “where is Allah” arguments or madhab versus non-madhab discussions you don’t have to deal with when courting a non-Musllim.
I have seen the most pious of Muslim sisters, from the best of families, raised isolated and 100% the right way, end up with non-Muslim men. Even sisters who are still religious. Following demographic trends of other immigrant groups and religious minorities this will only increase with time.
The only way to counter this is to created mixed enviornments and places for single Muslims to meet. Not meet and marry on the spot. Meet, socialize, date, commit and then marry. Local masjids, alMaghrib, Taleef, halal restaurants, etc. . In other words “back home” and Saudi imported to convert norms won’t work here.
But For Those Like Me
Again that was for those who believe in Muslim marriage, the young, the pious and the idealistic. Almost every indigenous Muslim I know has been divorced at least once ( most several times) and statistically there are just very few good indigenous Muslim marriages. I will say we have the worst marital situation in America ( show me another community where getting married 10, 20 and 30 times or teenage divorcees is normal). This is definitely true amongst my friends throughout the country.
The Muslim marriage contract in America is less valuable than toilet paper. It gives you NO RIGHTS to your children. Most converts don’t have legal marriages. Worthless to the courts and your rights.
Next the idea of a walee or wakeel for an educated and intelligent woman who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions is incompatible with the modern world.
Next there is the issue of sex. To give you an idea of the sexual dysfunctionalism within the Muslim community Sheikh Yasir Qadhi is teaching a class on how to have sex to Muslim newlweds. Apparently many are confused and scared of sex. I lost my virginity at 12 years old and didn’t need a class. Meanwhile a culture of sexting, Skyping, exchanging lude photos, hand jobs, bisexuality and oral sex has spread within religious Muslims. Meanwhile you are asked to marry someone you not even sure how she looks or if there is sexual- compatibility.
With all these problems and serial marriage the Jonestown-like blind-believer indigenous Muslims argue and discuss how to make this bullshit work constantly (when they are not discussing absurd parenting ideas that will ensure their kids will hate them).
Bottom-line I am too old for the bullshit, fake Muslim marriages, and making babies I can’t see. An elder told me “this serial-marriage is nuts. Allah forgives every sin but shirk so do you”. Bottom-line I am dating and could care less if she is Muslim, Christian, Jewish or agnostic. I do like some things about Muslimas. Istinjah, not eating pork, and often common interests. To me it is more about where we are mentally and spiritually regardless of religion. Niqaabis have sent me nude photos and much more and then attack non-hijabis. I don’t have time for the fakeness. Muslims need to date, have fun, and live our lives and quit pursuing these medieval Arabian fantasies that will never come true. God bless America and if the Lord has blessed you sister email me or hit me on Facebook.